Wednesday, September 3, 2008

How to talk about Sarah Palin?

palin

(Photo courtesy of Barstool Sports. Photo authenticity...ehhh, a little dicey)

GWS returns to DBMIVFK after a short hiatus and wonders how we're supposed to talk about Miss Congeniality 1984. As far as GWS can tell, this is her professional resume for the Veep job:

-she cut her political teeth in the rough and tumble politics of Wasilla, Alaska, a town of just over 8,000 people (according to 2005 estimates). While Wasilla is not in the middle of nowhere, you can see it from there.
-she worked for a 527 for Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens when term limits prevented her from running for mayor of Wasilla again
-she served for 20 months as governor of America's largest and least populated state

Listed on the "Miscellaneous" section of her prospective resume, we're likely to find the following tidbits:

-she's a hockey mom
-she's a raaaaaaaaaaging evangelical
-she might be the best looking female vice presidential candidate in history---Stephen Colbert has already referred to her as "the sexy librarian"

With an undistinguished, short political career behind her, GWS finds it difficult to take Palin seriously. Undoubtedly, she's an intelligent woman whose views on global warming are 1) out of step with many of the Luddites in her party, and 2) curiously difficult to square with her creationism. But every time GWS is ready to think of Palin as a smart leader, he's reminded of the fact that she supports drilling in ANWR, that she used Uncle Ted's "Bridge to Nowhere" for crass political purposes, and that she displayed remarkably little political acumen in dealing with the dismissal of a state trooper who, by most accounts, seemed to deserve his pink slip.

For the moment, GWS is more than willing to trust the folks at Gawker about the once and future Palin babies. The story goes that Palin gave birth to her son Trig in Alaska after her water broke at an event in Texas. GWS is hard-pressed to think of an AMA-certified physician who would allow any woman, regardless of her political position, to fly during the third trimester, but that's exactly what we're asked to believe regarding her pregnancy. The 44-year old Palin supposedly flew back to Alaska, gave birth to little Trig, and then was back on the job three days later! If you think that's true, I have some mortgage-backed securities I'd like to sell you; if the 44-year old hockey mom can deal with the pain of poppin' out a baby and be back on the job in 72 hours, she should be looking for NHL clubs that need an enforcer, not aiming for the vice presidency.

The picture of Palin's career is, at best, unclear. Despite Cindy McCain's insistence that Alaska's proximity to Russia counts as foreign policy experience for Palin, GWS can't think of any really good reason for Palin to be on the ticket other than the fact that, well, she's really quite good-looking.

So, until you, our intrepid readers, submit some better, more enlightened lens through which we can view Sarah Palin's candidacy, GWS is forced to fall back on that old stand-by: misogyny. It's the only field in which she presents a clear, long-standing track record and the only field in which we can say with any certainty what she'd (eh hem) look like as Veep. From now until DBMIVFK hears otherwise, Sarah Palin is a piece of cheesecake---nothing more, and certainly nothing less.

To paraphrase Garth Algar, in two short months, Sarah Palin could be one bullet away from becoming Babe-raham Lincoln.

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