Monday, August 4, 2008

Think China's Super-Ninja is badass? Canada shows 'em what a SIX-lettered country starting with "C" can do

While it may be impressive that China is developing super-ninja technology, the Canadians have kicked it up a notch. Last week, a Canadian bus on a remote stretch of highway was at a rest stop when things got - how you say? - terrifying...

"Passengers said they had just reboarded the bus following a break when the suspect — for no apparent reason — stabbed the man sitting next to him dozens of times as passengers fled in horror. He then severed the man's head, displayed it and began hacking at the body.

but wait, there's more!

"In the tape of radio transmissions, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer refers to the attacker as "Badger" and says he is armed with a knife and scissors and is "defiling the body at the front of the bus as we speak."

On the tape, which lasts about 80 seconds, officers continue to detail the attacker's movements until one reports, "Badger's at the back of the bus, hacking off pieces and eating it."

Ninjas are scary, but cannibals are totally fucked up. This guy is clearly a new breed of terrorist.

Old strategy: Kill as many people as possible as quickly as possible.

New strategy: Take your time killing one person, but make it as scary as possible.

According to the AP, Mr. Tyson's - er, sorry, Mr. Li's employer

"... was shocked to learn that his 'model employee' had been accused of the grisly attack. Vincent Augert, an independent contractor who distributes newspapers in Edmonton, said that Li was one of his most reliable carriers."

...Augert continues...

"He was very punctual and always cleanly dressed," he told The Associated Press. "He was a very nice, polite guy. We would've had no reason to let him go before all this happened."

I can't wait to see the reference The Canadian Cannibal gets from Augert - "Oh, you know, he was really a great employee, very reliable. I just had to let him go after the, um, incident". Seriously, "before all this happened" refers to what, sir? The murder, the beheading, or the cannibalism? "All this" could really mean anything here.

As it turns out, Mr. Li spoke with a strong Chinese accent, so as of this moment, FB cannot say for sure WHICH gub'mint, Canadian or Chinese, he was working for.

Finally, just for (grisly, sadistic, inhumane) laughs, one last quote from the AP story referring to the leak of the Mountie's communications:

The RCMP described the tapes as "operational police communications and, as such, are not meant for public consumption."

I'll let loyal DBMIVK readers fill in their own "not meant for public consumption" jokes...

1 comment:

fishbulb said...

Sorry, here's the link to this story...

I saw this originally, btw, on the NECN news ticker during Pan Mass Challenge coverage. Didn't see that coming.